I love the change of seasons. This week I was feeling a little sad about summer being gone. I was having a hard time thinking that summer was over, I never really had a last day at the pool. The kids have been back in school for a month now, and I still am wishing for another day of our own schedule and going to the pool, and sitting in the sun. Then 2 days later I got excited for fall.
I want to bake, I want to have a ultimate carmel apple party. I want to get out my fall decor, I want to start planning kids Halloween costumes. I want to be thinking of "the holidays" and what we plan to do. And it got me thinking. How much I love fall now, but how much I used to hate the fall. And I mean hate. Dread, fearful dread. The kind that makes your stomach hurt and body start to get hot. Anxious.
Nothing good ever happened in the fall. It was always a bad time for my family. Depressing.
I even used to feel sad that my color season ( you know, the colors that you look best in) was fall. Why did I have to look good in colors of a season that was no good! And it was also so sad for me whenever it was time for the General Relief Society Meeting at church. It signified that fall was officially here.
After high school I moved away to Colorado and that first fall was filled with dread. What would happen? How would things be living away from home during the worst time of the year? How would I handle being away from my family? As things happened back home I worried. I missed my family. I worried about them. I felt like I had left them, and I also felt alone. I made it and it was hard.
The next fall same thing. Still living in Colorado I was comfortable, learning to live life separate from family but with roommates that were all getting married. It just all felt so uneasy in the fall. I would still have the same sense of dread as the seasons started to change. I would look for something to go wrong. I was waiting for it to happen.
That next year I "met"Jay for the 2nd time and we dated for 2 months and were married 2 months after that. In the summer. My favorite season. We moved to Utah got settled in our first apartment and got jobs and started school. The weather started to change. It felt nice. But I had a twinge of dread. I started to worry about what might happen. What if's kind of started forming...but everything was ok. There were a few big things but Jay was calm. My sister found out she had cancer. Jay was calm. Our student loan applications took longer than expected. Jay was calm. He showed me a new way to approach things in life. Calmly.
I don't think that it was right away that I realized that I might like fall. It kind of just started to happen. Over several years, the feelings started to not be such a big deal. I started to look forward to the cooler weather coming, the leaves, "the change." As Jay calmly lived life, I was able to start enjoying mine.
Thank you dear. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for being you, thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for helping me learn to love the season I look best in.
happy birthday weekend-
(us last fall)