Thursday, December 31, 2009

mothers day 2009

written 5/17/09

It started a little rocky. (there was some arguing between the boys-I might have raised my voice a little.) Toast in bed. (another argument between the boys) Signs posted around the house decorated with lots of color and words of love. (some more arguing between the boys-this time I definitely raised my voice) Flowers. A gift certificate for a massage next time I go to Texas. Jay was home. It was a relaxing (mixed with a little arguing) morning. My mom came over for early lunch. I made pasta salad the night before. I made Deb's Big Crumb Coffee cake and subbed blueberries instead of the rhubarb. (read Kristies funny commentary on her adventure with this dish)

I had thoughts of a mothers day 9 years ago. Provo Utah. We had late church that year too. My sister lived in the basement of the house we were living in. She helped with Savanna and Jack I got to sleep in. We had strawberry smoothies made in my new blender. I had a bath. I had a nap. All before church. I can still remember how peaceful the morning was. I was happy.

The last sentence. I was happy. I kept thinking about this all morning. I thought about my perception of that morning 9 years ago. The feelings I brought with me were of happiness. Is that what I would bring with me from this mothers day? What would the overall feeling be that I remembered? It would be entirely up to me.

I started thinking about a phrase I heard around the same time 9 years earlier. I had been reading a local magazine highlighting a Utah family. The author was haling this family as "utah's royalty"-and I laughed because I had no idea who they were. The author made a statement that hit me hard and I totally disagreed with. I know this phrase has been used all over the place-and probably used with good intentions. But it struck me deep- and has continued to come back to my mind over and over since I first read it.
In a round about way it was said:

"a good mother is only as happy as her saddest child."

This would put my happiness, my joy in the hands of someone else. I don't agree with with this at all, but often act like I do. My kids are sad, my kids argue, my kids have a bad day. I feel down, I feel distrought, I feel heavy and burdened. I continue to let the overall feeling carry on into my countenance. I have to choose what to do . Do I continue to carry those feelings, weighing me down, robbing me of Joy? I think that is exactly opposite of what our Father in Heaven wants us to do. We have to find a way to deal with negativity, and have compassion, and love towards others without it consumming us and determining our happiness.