Thursday, January 8, 2009

living museum-or the day I cried at my kids school

I was feeling a little weary this morning running around like most mom's do. It was the last day of school before Christmas break. We had a late night with Blitzen the Boogie Woogie Reindeer performance the night before. Luke was going to be having his class Christmas party today and Jack got to participate in the "living museum" as an Olympic swimmer.

I got to the school early enough to park and get inside, with time to spare to make it to the gym where Jack was going to be. I opened the doors to the school and see lines of kids- and I see kids from Jack's grade. They were leaving. My heart started to race- I rushed down the hall with the stroller to see an empty gym, and the last boy sitting on the bleachers was Jack.

Putting on his socks and shoes.

My eyes burned, my throat started to sting "Please don't cry, please don't cry," I told myself. But it did not work. The tears slipped over the edge and down to my cheeks. As I took a deep breath and said, "Jack I am so sorry" the leap teacher came and explained that they had to close down early due to kids being sick. At that moment Jay walks in- He was just as confused as I. We turned to Jack and asked if he would recite his part for us. And of course, dutiful, go-with-the-flo Jack did.

He held out his hand for us to "press the button" to get him to speak.
He did great- he had a lot of enthusiasm!

I had felt bad for missing Luke's Thanksgiving Feast a few weeks before and now this. It is so hard to miss things for our kids. Even when I can't help it. When something is completely out of my control. I wonder if the kids feel it too. Do they keep a tally in their minds, Mom was here for this but not for this. Or- she was there for so-and-so but not me.

The mommy-guilt. Does it ever end?


Meghan said...

I grew up in a big family and my parents were there for somethings and not there for others. My dad even forgot to pick me up from school once when I was in the 7th grade. But they did their best, they sacrificed a lot, they gave me all love I wanted and they taught me the gospel. If I can be half the parent that my parents were to me I will be grateful. I know that is how your children will feel about you.

shara said...

Don't give in to the "mommmy guilt". You and yours are worth so much more. In the scriptures, it talks about, if you have the true willingness and desire to serve, but cannot for some reason, it is the same. It counts w/ our kids, I think.

It all works out. The kids, in the long run, will realize that you did your best. They will know that you love them and that they are important to you.

What kind of parents do you want them to be? What do you want their experience to be? They will not be able to be there for every performance, every moment. Do you want them to feel the guilt you feel? Maybe. Or is there something else? What do you want their experience to be? Model that for them.

They will be grateful.

Jenn said...

Oh, sweet girl...I too have had moments of guilt, but we can't let the enemy win in this stuff. As a wise woman told me once, "Guilt is such a useless feeling." The love you pour into the day-to-day things, the way you encourage them in their dreams and passions, support them with wisdom, hold them when they cry...THAT is what they will remember. We can't do it all...but He can. We are not their end-all, be-all (as I wish at times I was!)...we teach them that if when we cannot be with them, Jesus will ALWAYS be there. And that is the best Truth they can know!

your mom said...

Here is another point of view. No, I don't think the mommy-guilt ever ends. I still have those same feelings if I let you down by not being there. Remember that "all feelings are allowed." Its how you handle those feelings after they come. Don't set yourself up for feeling guilt.... because you feel guilt. The stress of trying to be perfect is a downward spiral. I love you and I think you are a fantastic mother.