Playlist of my life (long version)

I am listening to a lullaby and I am caring for my children ... loving them more than I could ever have imagined possible.

In January, I was walking through Sam's Club and I was back by the clearance things and saw a box- with this in it-

and just like on the movie Ratatouille when the critic takes a bite of his "ratatouille" and he is instantly taken back to his childhood ...
I was instantly taken back to an overwhelming feeling of love.

I had wanted this little lullaby aquarium for Luke-
He has always loved music. From the moment he was born.
We had always played lullaby's for our kids at night, but with Luke- we had them on all the time-

The hospital had one of these when we were there for his palate surgery. We had our own lullaby's with us but he loved this.
It was so soothing for him- he would look over at it with his searching eyes looking for comfort and he loved it. He loved the music and bubbles and fish on the side of the crib.

I had wanted to get one for him ... but did not. I decided to wait.
I kept seeing them, at yard sales, and I would want to get one but decided to just not.

Then I stopped seeing them.
Maybe I was not looking for them or they stopped carrying them.

So here I am in Sams - It was a clearance item for really cheap.
I bought it.
I brought it home feeling a little silly ... wondering if it was too old for Tucker ... and why was I buying something for Tucker when it was Luke's birthday?

I put it "away" and figured I could decide what to do with it later.

Tucker found it in the closet and was so excited! He lugged the box out with his shaking excited little arms.
We opened it up ... played with it for a bit then set it up on the crib.

The boys thought it was so fun to have it up on the crib. I was so excited that Tucker would get to enjoy it. And happy that Luke would too ... and felt kind of sweet about it ... remembering how much Luke loved it.

About a week later we started having some problems with Luke (bigger than normal problems.) We cried for him, we cried about him. We felt at our wits end. We decided to fast - we needed answers. We needed help.

It was a rough night with Luke getting ready for bed. The yelling, the hitting, the disruption to our family. I laid Tucker down and turned on the CD player first. Then as I was walking over to Luke to "help" him get in bed I turned back around and turned off the CD player and turned on the fish aquarium.

And the feeling came back.

An overwhelming feeling of love for this child.

I was back in the hospital with him and feeling so out of control. Standing by his bed, watching him go in and out of sleep, coming off the meds. Trying to help him eat. Trying to comfort him. The feeling that I would do anything for him if I could. But sometimes there is nothing to do ... but love him.

It was the reminder that I needed.

Sometimes we just can't fix our kids and their problems and struggles. We just have to love them, and be there.